'Vegas' doubles down

The Best Friend character is crucial to any self-respecting rom-com. He/she is the guy/gal our leads need to figure out they're really in love.

In "What Happens in Vegas," the Best Friends do something more - they save the movie from certain disaster.

"Vegas" stars Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz as a couple who meet, get drunk and find themselves hitched after one bleary-eyed night in Sin City. Before they agree to an annulment, they hit the jackpot - $3 million bucks courtesy of a slot machine.

But when they try to get legally split, a persnickety judge (Dennis Miller) forces them to live as man and wife for six months. Why? Because the judge is sick of these quickie marriages, and a film like this needs an extra layer of gimmickry to exist.

So our pretty leads do their best "War of the Roses" impersonation so that the other will bow out of the marriage first - and give up rights to the three mil.

Diaz and Kutcher create a laugh-free zone in this decidedly unpleasant rom-com, but their best pals serve up plenty of laughs. Rob Corddry, so painful in the new "Harold & Kumar" feature, is a hoot as Kutcher's best bud. And Diaz's faithful friend, Lake Bell, is nearly as good. Their behind-the-scenes machinations give "What Happens in Vegas" some sinfully funny moments. Stick around through the credits to get a visual definition of the phrase "junk punch."

Other bit players also distract us from this unsavory mess. Miller's character delivers a moment of zen in this otherwise frantic comedy. Miller's judge hands down a dollop of sanity - and the radio host simultaneously serves up some terrific line readings.

"What Happens in Vegas" is saved from rom-com infamy thanks to the actors who don't appear on the poster.

(Photo: I can't even say where Kutcher's hand has been in this scene from "What Happens in Vegas")

Vroom with a view

The Wachowski brothers, the minds behind the new blockbuster wannabe "Speed Racer," clearly hold an ambivalent approach to gravity.

First, they made Neo in "The Matrix" defy the laws of physics. Now, they've delivered a CGI tribute to a '60s animated series which treats science with similar disdain.

My review in The Washington Times details just how detached from the real word "Racer" is. That doesn't mean it's not alternately enjoyable and wickedly clever. But props go to Pops Racer (John Goodman) for making it all more palatable. Good to see John Goodman back in action. A while back he was in full Michael Caine mode, popping up in virtually every other movie. I wouldn't mind seeing that again.

(Photo: Christina Ricci, Susan Sarandon, John Goodman and Kick Gurry gather in "Speed Racer")

Haiku Movie Reviews 5/9/08

What Happens in Vegas

Drunken marriage vows
Ashton punk'd by fate, Diaz
Wedded bliss denied

Speed Racer

Go, Speed Racer go
Cars defy physics, logic
What a woozy ride

An 'Indy' twofer

Dare we believe the first (negative) review of the new "Indiana Jones" sequel?

Until more reviews trickle in, enjoy two more pics from the upcoming "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" coming to a theater new year May 22.

(Photo: Cate Blanchett captures our intrepid hero, above, while Indy gets his whip on below - photo credit David James)

Worst Modern Rom-Coms: ''P.S. I Love You"

I knew Gerard Butler would be a star when I saw him elevate the "Tomb Raider" sequel from unwatchable to mildly interesting.

That's talent.

But he's hopelessly outmatched in "P.S. I Love You," just released on DVD. The film stars Hilary "I have no business being in a rom-com" Swank as a recent widow whose mourning is alleviated by letters sent from her deceased beau (Butler). Before the poor fella kicked, he wrote a series of letters to be sent to Swank's character over the coming year to comfort her while she grieves.

Great premise. God-awful execution. Swank's performance should be the template for what a rom-com heroine shouldn't behave like. And poor Harry Connick Jr. pops up as a potential love interest spouting some of the world's worst movie dialogue.

'That '70s' effect

I didn't watch so much as five minutes of Fox's "That '70s Show" during its protracted run. Every commercial I ever saw for it made me taste bile, to put it kindly. And I'd like to pretend the 70s didn't exist, fashion-wise, in the first place.

But the show's breakout stars, Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher, have been having a hard time transitioning to big-screen roles.

Grace's unexceptional box office tallies for "In Good Company," "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" and "P.S." have stalled his chances at film stardom. (Starring in "Spider-Man 3" was a push -- no one actor would drag that film up or down)

As for Kutcher, well, he tries yet again this weekend in "What Happens in Vegas," a new rom-com co-starring Cameron Diaz. The actor's "Guess Who," "The Guardian" and "A Lot Like Love" all underperformed at the box office, so teaming with the dazzling Diaz makes sense. And they sure look good together.

But while Grace can be an enigmatic presence in films, Kutcher still looks like an over sized kid to me. Just don't buy him as an adult, and his choice in projects makes me feel like he's punking himself. And it has nothing to do with his cougar courtship of Demi Moore.

Worst Modern Rom-Coms: 'Hitch'

Will Smith can do no wrong - it's one of the few maxims that holds true in Hollywood. Right? There's a big ol' "Hitch" in that theory. Smith went the rom-com route three years ago with disastrous results.

"Hitch" stars Smith as a dating fixer, the guy you hire when even your best moves won't woo the ladies. Naturally, he hooks up with a sad sack (Kevin James, who steals the few valuable scenes in the film) who's trying to date a supermodel beauty (Amber Valletta).

We're groaning already, and that's before the painful romance blooms between Hitch and a gossip columnist (Eva Mendes, who's never been less ingratiating).

Like "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," the scenarios put forth here are so labored, so painfully contrived there's nothing for the audience to applaud. Not even Smith's turn as the ultimate date doctor. That's movie magic in reverse.

'Do you feel lucky, young whippersnapper?'

Rambo's back. Indy, too. So why not Dirty Harry?

The Daily News is reporting, citing a story in The Sun, that Clint Eastwood will portray Dirty Harry Callahan one more time.

Insert Geritol crack here.

I'm sure there's a method to Eastwood's seemingly mad plan. He's in his late 70s now, and hardly game for a rough and tumble actioner. But Eastwood's recent films have transformed the actor's vigilante heroes into introspective types who regret their violent methods. If Dirty Harry returns, I'm betting he's doing so to make up for past sins.

Worst Modern Rom-Coms: "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"

How can two beautiful people make a movie as lousy as "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?"

It's a question I still have no answer for, but the movie remains my go-to choice for worst romantic comedy in ages. It's the template against which all other rotten rom-coms should be measured.

Kate Hudson stars as a woman who, on a magazine assignment, decides to woo and dump a guy within 10 days. As movie contrivance would have it, the guy she picks is played by Matthew McConaughey, who is laboring under a separate bet that he can make any woman fall in love with him in - wait for it - 10 days.

Hate when that happens. Of course, nothing like that ever happens, one of many reasons why this movie fails on every level possible.

I used to defend McConaughey to friends and in print, but this one severed our ties permanently, Rev. Wright style. As for Hudson, suffice to say I'd rather see a 60-something Goldie Hawn woo McConaughey then suffer through one more of her rom-com performances.

Lohan wises up

Score one, a rare one, for Lindsay Lohan.

The "Mean Girls" star will pop up in the season finale of ABC's "Ugly Betty."

Hardly a career renaissance, but a step in the right direction. Even Britney Spears got good press for her appearance on "How I Met Your Mother." Show your chops to Middle America and juicier roles may follow. America loves to tear its actors to pieces, but we're just as enamored with comeback stories.

And it's far smarter than playing the strumpet card in a new movie.

(Photo: Lindsay Lohan takes it almost all off in the box office clunker "I Know Who Killed Me")