The 1st annual Watcher Awards

Let the Oscar voters decide which film deserves to be called Best Picture.

The Watcher Awards care about more pressing matters. Like which film will be named Best Abuse of a Beloved Fan Base (see below).

And now, Ladies and Gentleman, here’s your host-less, commercial-free Watcher Awards!

• Best Global Warming Polemic AKA The Damning with the Faintest of Praise Award … and the Watcher goes to “The Day the Earth Stood Still.”
• Best Performance/Worst Performance Award … and the Watcher goes to Jack Black. Mr. “School of Rock” provided terrific vocal work in “Kung Fu Panda,” the animated feature that proved far more enjoyable than the hugely overrated “Wall*E.” But Black bombed in “Tropic Thunder,” getting seriously schooled by both Ben Stiller and Robert Downey, Jr.
• Best After School Special Disguised as a Movie … and the Watcher goes to “Twilight.” Those campy specials from the ’70s couldn’t match the bogosity of Bella and Edward bickering over a microscope.

• Stop the Parody I Wanna Get Off … and the Watcher goes to “Meet the Spartans.” Must Hollywood keep Xerox-ing US Magazine moments and insist audiences laugh? And please … leave Britney alone!!
  
• Best Abuse of a Beloved Fan Base … and the Watcher goes to “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Have you met ONE PERSON who wasn’t let down, if not downright insulted, by this hapless sequel?
• Best Reason for Men to Feel Superior to Women … and the Watcher goes to “Sex and the City.” It’s everything manly men hate about movies.
• Best Reason for Women to Feel Superior to Men … and the Watcher goes to “Wanted.” I watched it. I liked it. I’m embarrassed to admit it. And I doubt there’s one woman out there who fell for this messy splash of action porn.
• Best Everyman Rant … and the Watcher goes to “Role Models.” Who didn’t cheer when Paul Rudd verbally assaulted the coffee shop clerk over the store’s inane cup sizes.
• Best Trailer/Biggest Letdown … and the Watcher goes to “Pineapple Express.” They jammed the best laughs into the red-band trailer, leaving nothing more than some stale pot jokes for the actual film.
• Best Saturday Night Live Skit Pretending to Be a Movie … and the Watcher goes to “W.” ’nuff said.